


Side C: Cesspool

by AlexAlva (Elyssian)



Series: Astra inclinant, sed non obligant. [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen, MAMA AU, Multi, Other, What Is Happening Here, i may also have an existentional crisis, its three am and i have isomnia depression and cripling anxiety, my life, this fic, this is a semi crack fic, what even
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-11-17 01:23:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11265048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elyssian/pseuds/AlexAlva
Summary: Hello there ladies, gentlemen and all inbetween! Do you find yourself suffering from boredom? Isomnia? Zombiefication? The loss of cognitive function? Then my good sirs, madams and all others, this is just for you! Cesspool is a poorly cobbled together piece of work, painfully created through sleepless nights and repeated brain death! I assure you, Cesspool is 100% pure nonsense, pure crack and pure shit, pefrect for the madly bored soul! Get your very own Cesspool today by clicking on the title link and scrolling downwards to the haphazardly placed combination of letters![Disclaimer! We the makers of Cesspool are not responsibke for any loss of brain cells, cranial damage, curdled souls or any other injuries obtained from reading Cesspool.]





	1. Side (Stories) E: Eh, can’t get worse than it already is

Kris was very good at sleeping.

He could sleep most anywhere, anytime and usually nothing short of an attempted assassination could wake him up. Junmyeon and Yixing both knew this, which meant that he would sometimes wake up with his face drawn over in magic markers. Kris was also prone to sleeping over twelve hours every other day so Junmyeon and Yixing had taken to using very creative methods to wake him up for meals and such.

Yixing had apparently decided that today, he was going to jump on Kris's chest.

Kris had come up from a very odd dream involving Luhan turning Minseok into a hamster and feeding him to Jongdae, whom the manic elder had turned into the sassiest Persian cat Kris had ever seen (dreamed?). In any case Kris had woken up incredibly disorientated, reasonably pissed and with his ribs raising load complaints that were drowned out by Yixing's screeching.

“-took my fluffy children!”

Kris's hearing was still muddled from sleep, so he had no idea what the hell Yixing was screaming about. Had Luhan dyed his hair again? Was his dream of transmogrifying Luhan not a dream after all? Why was Luhan always terrorising them, both in life and dreams?

“That devil-spawn took my fluffy children!”

Kris processed that and chocked. “What.”

“My children!” Yixing motioned hysterically.

Kris had no idea what he was talking about. Or rather, he hadn't achieved the required state of wakefulness to decipher the unique and complex language of Yixingese. He needed a dictionary the size of Junmyeon, or preferably Junmyeon himself. Unfortunately he was out of town so that left Kris with the option of direct contact with the rare species of Yixingese.

Kris looked at the rare species rolling up and down his bed in hysterics and concluded the following: _fuck no._

Kris opted to grab his modem and pull up the time-

“Xing,“ he sputtered. “I love you but it's two in the morning.”

And with that Kris forcibly threw Yixing and off into the carpet and reacquainted himself with his bed.

 

* * *

 

When Kris was awake enough to realise that pushing Yixing off had been an incredibly bad idea, because he'd crawled right back up the bed and bit him on the nose, he translated what Yixing had been about.

“That devil-spawn took my fluffy children!” = “Somehow or rather a pigeon had nabbed some of Yixing's pet rabbits.”

“Tell me again how a pigeon managed to grab a rabbit?” Kris grumbled as he trudged down the street behind Yixing. He'd thrown on a hoodie and some semi decent jeans on but he hadn't managed to do anything else beyond slapping his face with tap water. Thank god it was the ungodly hours of the morning- his dignity would disintegrate if anybody saw the rat-nest his hair was imitating.

“It came in like it was shot out of Satan's ass,” Yixing said very seriously. Day Yixing and Night Yixing had personalities like- well, like day and night. Kris understandably preferred Day Yixing. Day Yixing only went crazy when they passed by pet stores.

Kris didn't doubt that it was important to Yixing though. The smaller man was still in his pyjamas, and Kris had to forcibly slip him into a cardigan and actual shoes- he'd almost stormed to the streets in socks. “And it took a dozen of my babies!”

“So you're telling me one pigeon managed to grab several rabbits in one go.”

“It was very large pigeon! And he's been staking the pens!” Yixing grumbled. His babies could be turning into bird food and Kris was quizzing avian knowledge? He had a bird phobia, why would he be a bird professor?! He decided that Kris wasn't going fast enough and yanked him down the street and past a convenience store. Kris waved to cashier, who mouthed something that looked like ‘ _oh man, again?_ ’ Kris wondered how many people this poor cashier has seen stumble through the street at three am in their pyjamas.

“You know,” Kris said as Yixing stopped at a streetlight, bound by his inner good person to resist jaywalking. “This is around the time Luhan pulls up in his patrol car and tries to arrest us.”

The light turned yellow, then red and a very beat up patrol car came to a stop in front of them. The window rolled down and Kris thinks he should a start a fortune telling business.

“Why is it every time I run into you guys you're always doing something weird?” Luhan asks as he sticks his head through the window.

“Have you ever turned Minseok into a hamster and fed him to Jongdae the Persian cat?” Kris asked.

Luhan looked him over, checking for an extra head. “Are you high?”

“No, I got woken up at two am. Would you mind?” Kris asked as he climbed in the stuck, open backseat window. “Hey Jongdae, Minseok.”

Jongdae looked up from his modem, his small form squished on the floor of the backseats and nodded in greeting. “I think that Minseok-hyung looks more like a cat. Look.”

Minseok was asleep, stretched over his seat in a way Kris didn't think was possible without several broken bones. “You're right. I'm gonna sleep here, wake me up if someone's dying.”

From the front seat he heard Luhan screech and the shotgun door open.

“Don't sleep in my car, Kris are you seriously- Yixing let go of the steering wheel right now-”

“Go straight to the devil-spawn's nest!”

“Excuse me?”

“Follow my rabbit radar!”

* * *

 

Minseok woke up as Luhan slowed down the car and opened his eyes to see Zitao sticking his head in the backseat's window, looking down at him questionably.

“Why's Fan-gē sleeping on you?“

Minseok looked down, located the before  
-mentioned giant and let out a confused noise.

“He got in with Yixing around five streets ago,“ Jongdae supplied from the floor of the backseats and Minseok noticed the bobbing brown head over the shotgun seat's backrest. “What's up Tao. How's college?”

“It's going great. I found a new way to inhale coffee. Also have you seen a giant pigeon?”

“A giant what?”

From the front, Luhan groaned. “Fucking hell. Get in the car kid.”

Zitao raised an eyebrow and shrugged, climbing in the window to land on Kris, who barely moved. “You guys are going after the pigeon too?”

“What pigeon?” Minseok gurgled as Zitao banged his head into his throat. He swore to god the kid was ninety percent limbs.

“Does no one here use doors?” Luhan snapped.

“Death to the devil spawn!” Yixing cheerily yelled.

Zitao looked up at Minseok in question. “Don't look at me, I just woke up.”

“You're lucky you found us- Yixing has rabbit radar,” Jongdae said from the floor.

“Mind you he hasn't slept in a week,“ Kris mumbled from under Zitao.

“Oh, hi Fan-gē!”

“Is no one going to explain anything?” Minseok commented dryly. He regretted hassling Luhan for a ride home.

Kris looked up at Minseok and said one word.

“Pigeon.”

“That doesn't explain anything!”

* * *

 

Yixing's rabbit radar led them to the biggest junkyard in the district. It was a spectacular, ugly display that reminded Luhan of Kris's drawings. It was that bad.

“I'm guessing that the pigeon is the deepest, hardest place to get to,” Jongdae supplied.

“It always is,” Luhan sighed. He tugged at the metal fence, testing it's stability. “No chance for me to drive through?”

“You wish.”

Luhan breathed his soul out and watched it leave for a better place. “Alright folks, you want your misplaced pets back? Let's fucking fry some pigeon.”

* * *

 

Kris had wondered how one pigeon was responsible for the kidnapping of Luhan's fattest cat, half a dozen of Yixing's rabbits and Jongin's oversized poodle. As Kris got sent hurtling into a tower of paper waste by the pigeon, he stopped wondering. The bitch was sized like a small car for fucks sake. Why did nature do this? Did mother mature hate them? What an absurd question that was. Mother nature didn't hate them, she just had a few screws loose. Maybe all her screws. In fact Kris was sure the screws weren't even loose anymore- they come off and rolled off into the same place your fucks went when faced with giant pigeons.

“Fan-gē, are you still alive?”

“I wish I wasn't. Is the pigeon still alive?”

Zitao looked down at him with extreme sadness. “Yeah. Also it's not a pigeon, it's a pterodactyl.”

Kris stared at him. “Zitao, honey, those are extinct.”

“Not extinct enough apparently.”

Kris took a moment to lean back into his disgusting trash throne and think. It was roughly four am right now and the sky was still beautifully blue and barren of stars because fuck light pollution. Also, there was a giant invisible shield of artificial atmosphere. A dinosaur has stolen everyone's pets and by virtue of mystic ex machina bullshit they haven't been eaten. Because he loves Yixing very much he has dragged his sorry soul out to a junkyard in the ass end of the district to fight the dinosaur. Kris decides that he doesn't want to think any further than that, or he'll run out of fucks to give. He needs those fucks. Fucks to give keep a man _sane._

Getting up, Kris goes in for a pep talk. “Alright y'all, we don't beat this bitch's ass into the ground we don't get to go home and do other things!”

Luhan ducked under a conveniently placed metal thing and yelled at Kris. “Real fucking motivational man!”

“It has found Jongdae and thinks he is delicious.” Zitao noted.

“Yeah the whining is kinda obvious.” Kris grumbled. “New plan then. Minseok! I think this thing is edible.”

* * *

 

This thing is edible. Those were the Magic Words™.

Jongdae theorised once that Minseok may be the one man member of a cult that worshiped food. Ok, maybe not the only member because food was great and he probably wasn't the first or only person to be utterly awed by the awesomeness of food. But Minseok is probably head priest or something. He loved food like food has given him divine revelations at some point in his life. Jongdae has never seen a guy waste a giant flying prehistoric lizard so fast at the behest of food. Then again, Jongdae does not usually see giant flying lizards.

But the bottom line was, Kris showcased a rare case of ingenuity and brought the word ‘edible’ into a situation containing one Kim Minseok and suddenly all the problems were gone and they had nothing to do but go home.

Yixing stared at the defeated pterodactyl and folded his arms. “This all seems very anticlimactic. I was ready to burn down a building, steal guns and murder men.”

Kris came over to hug him. “That means it's time to lay off the high-sugar cereal you bought on that Monday supermarket discount.”

Yixing was aghast. “But we have three hundred and twenty seven boxes of it left!”

Luhan retrieved his fat grey cat from the dinosaur nest and to show his utmost gratefulness at being saved, it gave Luhan a feline look of bored disappointment and clawed at his sleeve.

“I love you too. Now I'm going to take all these missing pets to the station and forget that a prehistoric bird shattered my dignity.” Luhan nodded solemnly and looked over everyone. “What are you going to do, Zitao?”

The youngest held up Monggu, the mutated poodle Jongin wasn't allowed to own. “I will bring my boyfriend's child home and have celebratory sex.”

“Alright. Minseok?”

“Edible. Roast or grill? Fillet or cube? Rice or noodles? But wait. _What if._ RAW-”

Luhan held up a hand. “Please wait till I leave. I do not want to see that. Jongdae how goes you?”

He stared at Luhan in disbelief. “Luhan. We work together. I'm going back to the station with you.”

Luhan nodded quickly. “I knew that. I'm just testing you.”

“Right.”

“So, Kris and Yixing?”

Yixing drummed his fingers on his chin thoughtfully. “I need to figure out how I'm going to eat three hundred and twenty boxes of condensed sugar disguised as cereal.”

Kris looked to Luhan in distress. “I need to figure out how I'm going get rid of three hundred and twenty boxes of condensed sugar disguised as cereal.”

“Alright. Good luck. Bye.”

Luhan turned and went for a dramatic exit- but remembered that he was in the middle of a massive Junkyard and the only reason everyone had made it too the centre with their meagre sanity was because Kris could fly, and Luhan telekinetic attached everyone to the flying Kris.

“You know what? I'm just going to lie down here because fuck. My. Life.”

Luhan proceeded to do just that, with an addition of screaming at the sky.


	2. Side E: Eh

“Here, happy birthday,” Minseok says as he plants a small sphere of fluff on Luhan's chest. “This is your new cat and I have named him Fluffles because you don't name your cats and I find that absolutely ridiculous.” 

“It is not ridiculous.” Luhan defends his honour valiantly as he goes to pieces at the sight of his new and adorable™ baby. “Cats cannot be bound to our mortal concept of reality and be given names like that.” 

“Lu. You call them Cat One and other Cat,” Minseok tutted as he moved for the cake. “That's horrible so I have spared your new cat and named him. The only good thing here is that despite your naming flaws, you take care of your cats really well. Look at Jongdae.” Minseok shoved part of the cake into his mouth and pointed to the man mucking about on Luhan's carpet. He looked up from the large grey cat on his lap and eyed Minseok dubiously. 

“Minseok, I am not a cat…” 

Minseok nodded at him approvingly. “You see? You take such good care of him he doesn't even know he's a cat.”

Jongdae pouted. “I am really not a cat. I kinda look like one, but I am not a cat. I am a human.” 

Minseok looked at him with loving pity and petted his hair. “It's ok Jongdae. Luhan will take good care of you.”

Jongdae was starting to feel less like a pranked man and more like man on the verge of an existential crisis. No, he was not in a crisis. He knew he was human. Baekhyun would have told him. And the kids. Unless they were in on it. Was it an in thing to treat your cat like human, like calling your dog good boy and shit? Oh no, he might really be a cat. 

“Minseok he's drunk why did you that. He's going to really believe you at this rate.” Luhan got up and moved around the couch to sit with Jongdae. “Dae, honey, you're not really a cat Minseok is messing with you.” 

“You are conspiring against me!” Jongdae shrieked. He threw the grey cat at Luhan and ran for the door. “Illuminati peons!” 

Minseok watched him go in contemplative silence. “Well, fuck.” 

“Minseok why didn't you stop him?!” Luhan screamed as the grey cat unleashed indignant fury upon him. 

“I'm supposed to stop him?”


	3. Chapter 3

Yixing poked Luhan with his foot. He didnt't budge from the pavement. The nice families out for a walk were very obviously circumventing the sidewalk they were on.

“Mommy why is that person kissing the pavement?”

“Shh!”

Yixing waved and they shuffled away faster. Perhaps he should have smiled? Or not- Junmyeon told him that some people found outward signs of affection creepy if it came from strangers. He sighed and knelt down.

“I'm sorry, ugly.”

Luhan screeched into the pavement and the clerk in the store they had stopped in front of jerked wildly, knocking into a clothes rack. The pedestrians were flat out running away now. Sad.

“I help you clean your little box house, how about that? I know you're messy.” Yixing soothed, petting Luhan's frizzed blonde hair. It did look quite bad now that he got a proper look at it. Too much corn yellow, not enough steampunk railroad track colour.

Luhan's hands snapped around Yixing's forearms in a vice grip.

“There are no take-backs.”

“I take it back.”

“There are no take-backs.”

* * *

 

Kyungsoo looked down at the angelic masterpiece that was Yixing's smiling face and said no.

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please just take a look?”

“It's your problem.”

“I won't go near it!” Yixing screamed and flailed. “Look at it!”

Kyungsoo pressed his fingers into the bridge of his nose and growled. Chanyeol had been the one to tell him to give the excess of curry to their ‘friends’. He had been willing to trek to the college so he could pass it to the kids (he knew Zitao needed it) but no- give it to Luhan Soo he's the only one who hasn't got anyone to cook for him. Fuck it, why did he listen to Chanyeol so well? (It because he loved the giant idiot, that's why.)

“Alright, move your head.” Kyungsoo sighed and he passed the tupperwares of curry to Yixing. The elder obligingly moved himself to sit on Luhan, who had for some reason been lying facing down on the corridor the whole time. He wasn't ready to question it and he likely never would be. He sighed. Well, better get this over and done with.

Kyungsoo poked himself into the seemingly unconscious man's apartment and whipped his head out so quickly the sound of a crack roused Luhan in alarm.

“Luhan you will go down to the nearest store right now and buy me cleaning supplies.”

“Excuse me?”

“Luhan you will buy me those cleaning supplies immediately or so god help me i will skin you and use your bleeding body to scrub the filth of your floor!”

Kyungsoo effectively yelled the last part and if Yixing wasn't busy communicating with the potatoes in the curry he would cower in fear. Luhan quite reasonably ran away to get cleaning supplies.

“I told you it was bad.” Yixing said after Kyungsoo got a minute to himself, massaging his temples and muttering cleaning tips. _(Vodka. Vodka that stain. Vodka the floor. Vodka myself. Vodka vodka vodka.)_

“It looks like a dystopian novel in there. How is he still alive?” Kyungsoo moaned and pulled out his modem. He would have to tell Chanyeol he would be back late.

 _To Puppy: I'm gonna be back late puppy._  
From Puppy: You're being friends with Luhan?! Yay! :D  
To Puppy: No, his apartment is messy.  
From Puppy: How messy? Very?  
To Puppy: Very.  
From Puppy: Ok. I'll make dinner. Love you! :)  
To Puppy: Love you too-

“Aw,” Yixing cooed as he propped his chin over Kyungsoo's shoulder. “He sent you the kissy face emoji-”

“Zhang. Remove yourself from my personal space or I will remove you from the world of the living.”

* * *

 

Luhan came back armed to the nines with twelve varieties of hard action cleaning agent, two buckets of scrubbing tools and the biggest roll of garbage bags Yixing had ever seen. Kyungsoo gave it his look of approval and grabbed a bag. “Gloves. And don't think I'm doing this alone. It's not my apartment.”

They groaned. Kyungsoo glared. They stoped groaning and got to work.

Yixing was the last to go in, and he chose to move a soggy box from where the windows were generally put in apartment like this, hoping he could find it and open it for air. He didnt find the window but he did find something worth hysterically screaming about.

“What is it? Cockroaches?” Luhan asked, edging for the door. Kyungsoo got ready a swatter and a can of insect spray. Yixing poked it and shuddered. “It's much worse. It's… Jongdae.”

Kyungsoo was confused. “Excuse me?”

The before-mentioned male looked up at the opening Yixing had made and waved. “Oh! Hi Yixing! And Kyungsoo! And Lu! What are you guys doing here? I mean, Luhan's here cuz he lives here but you guys don't.”

Luhan and Kyungsoo came over and were surprised to find that it was Jongdae in the hole, not just a voice recording of Jongdae meant to prank them into believing that Jongdae was for some reason in a hole. But nope, it was Jongdae, boney and whiny.

Kyungsoo looked mildly horrified. “How long have you been under that box?”

Jongdae squirmed uncomfortably. “Uh, what day is it?”

“Monday,” Yixing supplied helpfully. “And you smell!”

Jongdae nodded in agreement. “I've been here a day then!”

“It's May, by the way.”

“… I've been here a week then!”

Kyungsoo's brain had too much ‘what the fuck’s floating around and he decided that maybe going about this brain dead was the right approach because if he went about this with his brain conscious he might actually lose any semblance of sanity he had left. He didn't need to know why Luhan's apartment looked like a prehistoric shit nest or why Jongdae was living under boxes and that was fine. That was ok. That was good. Kyungsoo was doing good.

Luhan reached down and poked Jongdae's greasy hair suspiciously. “Why are you in my apartment?”

“We live together?” He said.

“You live together?” Kyungsoo snorted in disbelief.

“I live?” Luhan wondered. Everyone turned to look at him. Luhan continued smiling down at Jongdae, his eyes blinking in unsynchronised movements. Kyungsoo was alarmed™.

“We should just knock him out and leave.” Yixing offered, and Kyungsoo was inclined to agree. But Luhan's apartment was still a mess and he had to officially pass him the curry.

“Ah yes, you're the extra food rationing.” Luhan nodded to himself, looking at Jongdae's ramen hair with a terrifying hunger.

“Knock him out hard Zhang, we're leaving.”


End file.
